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Stop playing around with my feelings…

If you want to stay, then stay for good, but if you’re going to keep hovering around and then leaving me hanging, I would rather you just go away. Spare me the rollercoaster ride. Please.

Fooking hell. I told myself not to post here anymore ‘cause I always regret whatever I post here because I realise what kind of a dramatic fuck I could be. But man. This guy. We kind of had a thing early this year, we were close friends that liked each other - everyone knew we did, but we never admitted it to each other. We never really got to dating or anything because we were too complicated. What else. We knew we had something though. We just didn’t know how to go about it so we dated other people. Then that phase ended. I tried telling him I liked him. I contacted him but I never got replies. His friend told me it was because he didn’t know what to do when it comes to really liking someone. But I still felt embarrassed and felt like a fool for even trying. So we just drifted apart… even so, I still thought of him everyday.  But even when I did date someone else, he was always my first priority. Majority of my loveydovey posts were about him. Until today, even. I always missed the old times, how we were so happy. I always wondered what might have been. He enters my mind every single day. I always wished things didn’t change or that he’d just come back to me and talk to me and things will just flow from where we left off.  And the day finally came. But this isn’t the way I imagined it to be. I thought it would’ve been gradually going from where we left off. Perhaps a simple “hey, how are you?” would’ve sufficed… we would’ve worked our way back from the start. I imagined myself being incredibly happy that YES my wishes came true! But no. When I saw this, I had the craziest mix of emotions. Happiness because in my heart I know I’ve always wanted him to come back… and just plain confusion. Why? Is it because he’s just lonely? Is it because some other chick he liked dumped him and he knows I have a thing for him therefore just coming back to me?  I know I keep demanding people to be straight up and just tell someone how they feel - no questions asked. But fuck. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what he wants. I want him in my life… but if I allow him to come back, would he end up just leaving me hanging again? Would it be for the wrong reasons? Faaaaaaaaaaaaah. I’m just gonna sleep on this and see how I feel tomorrow. This shit that took half a year to wait on deserves some time to be thought about.

Fooking hell. I told myself not to post here anymore ‘cause I always regret whatever I post here because I realise what kind of a dramatic fuck I could be.

But man. This guy. We kind of had a thing early this year, we were close friends that liked each other - everyone knew we did, but we never admitted it to each other. We never really got to dating or anything because we were too complicated. What else. We knew we had something though. We just didn’t know how to go about it so we dated other people. Then that phase ended. I tried telling him I liked him. I contacted him but I never got replies. His friend told me it was because he didn’t know what to do when it comes to really liking someone. But I still felt embarrassed and felt like a fool for even trying. So we just drifted apart… even so, I still thought of him everyday. 

But even when I did date someone else, he was always my first priority. Majority of my loveydovey posts were about him. Until today, even. I always missed the old times, how we were so happy. I always wondered what might have been. He enters my mind every single day. I always wished things didn’t change or that he’d just come back to me and talk to me and things will just flow from where we left off. 

And the day finally came. But this isn’t the way I imagined it to be. I thought it would’ve been gradually going from where we left off. Perhaps a simple “hey, how are you?” would’ve sufficed… we would’ve worked our way back from the start. I imagined myself being incredibly happy that YES my wishes came true! But no. When I saw this, I had the craziest mix of emotions. Happiness because in my heart I know I’ve always wanted him to come back… and just plain confusion. Why? Is it because he’s just lonely? Is it because some other chick he liked dumped him and he knows I have a thing for him therefore just coming back to me? 

I know I keep demanding people to be straight up and just tell someone how they feel - no questions asked. But fuck. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what he wants. I want him in my life… but if I allow him to come back, would he end up just leaving me hanging again? Would it be for the wrong reasons? Faaaaaaaaaaaaah. I’m just gonna sleep on this and see how I feel tomorrow. This shit that took half a year to wait on deserves some time to be thought about.

Wow. So apparently my friend and her boyfriend (your brother) - linked you to this post.

Shit.

I did want you to see it before, but I knew you wouldn’t since you had no idea about my tumblr anyway. And I was comfortable with that. I’ve already decided a coupla days ago to just leave it. Over. Done. But then they showed it to you today and apparently you’ve read it. It kind of makes me feel embarrassed. You’re a boy, I know yall are heartless cunts that become uneasy at the slightest hint of emotion.

I wonder what you thought about it. You probably thought I was a clingy, psychotic, emotional freak. 

Oh well. I’m beginning to get over you anyway. Or at least try to. It was really nice dating you for a month and a half. Laters. On to the next one.

I hate it when people make fun of virgins.

al3xachiap3t:

Have you ever thought that maybe they were waiting for the right one?

It doesn’t mean that they’re prude, it doesn’t mean that they are ugly or weird, it means that they are waiting for something better. It means that they have the self control to say “Hey, I’m waiting to give this one time …

Guess I’m back to square one

Man, I used to be so strong and not give the slightest fuck about love. I absolutely LOVED being single. I loved not having to deal with someone, I just did what I wanted whenever the hell I wanted to. I loved going out with my friends and meeting people without having to report what’s been happening with my life to someone. Being single gives you a lot of freedom and a lot of space for you to do whatever the hell makes you happy. It’s the best.

In fact, I think my past love for being single was one of the reasons why this thing I’m having (or had?) with someone didn’t work out. He wanted something serious, I said I wasn’t ready for it. I was too in love with being single and having fun on my own. He compromised and said, yeah, he guesses he just enjoys hanging out with me as well. We decided not to be “too serious”. We took things slow. I’m supposed to be happy about that, right? I mean, I’m the one who distanced myself and said woah woah woah relax, I ain’t ready for no commitments just yet! But alas, I fell for the guy. I only wanted it to be fun and exciting, not much emotional attachments… but yup. I developed feelings.

And now that I’m the one who’s developed feelings and actually considering getting serious with him because I like him that much… that’s when he decides to distance himself and pull off what I did before. Ohhhhhh man. I’ve been really sad about it for a week now and I keeeeep thinking about it, it’s annoying. I’m never one to mope around and wallow in self-pity because I know it weighs everybody else down … but I guess this time it’s just really disappointing.

Just trying to get this out of my system now so I could be done with it, stat!

Yoiiiiii boys are hard to read, man.

They get pissed off and call you a tease if you don’t show them how you truly feel, but once you express how you feel for them they find you clingy and take you for granted anyway.

Eh.

Scared of getting hurt again.

SSDD = same shit, different dude.

Whenever they’re really interested in me, I tell them to keep distance. And then once I fall for them, they’re the ones who keep distance and I become the clingy one.

I don’t get it. This is why I don’t want to have feelings for anyone. They end up controlling my emotions. Ahh.

I guess this was my fault, too, so I can’t really blame anyone.

Started with 2 guys, ended up with none. And who ends up getting hurt and stressed all over it? I do. Like my big brother said, you cannot enter relationships or pseudo-relationships with an unclear intention and expect it to be smooth-sailing. Preach.

I couldn’t help it though, I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted to fall in love but I didn’t wanna be in a relationship. I was too scared. I am too scared. Whenever they got too close, I distanced myself.

And now they’re the ones distancing themselves. I pushed them away.

So, although some of oneofthem’s douchebag-ness cannot be excused, I admit I’m still partly the reason why shit went down. 

Sigh. =( Books before boys because boys are bitchuzzzzz.

No seriously though, I keep doubting every boy that gets close to me or seems interested in me or anything like that.

I keep doubting their intentions, thinking they have an ulterior motive - sex.

I apologise  for generalising but seriously, that’s just how I feel.

Aaaaaah okay. You’re a dickhead. I should stop trying whatever the fuck this is.

Whyyyy did I even like you in the first place, I knew you were an immature player anyway.

Fknnn, tells me he’s gonna do something important but he appears on my freakin tumblr dashboard. What is this. If he doesn’t wanna talk to me, he can at least be a man and say “you know what, honestly I don’t feel like talking” or whatever. Just pissing me off how he says I didn’t try, but I am. He’s the one who isn’t taking shit seriously. 

I messaged, I called. No replies, he didn’t pick up. Aite. Deuces.